(916) Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

(262): Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night

(209):

I’m not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?

(910):

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That’s the 2nd time I’ve heard that.

(503):

If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

(304): I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I’ve had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn’t too bad.

(314):

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow “fuck fort.” Of course I’m never leaving you.

(517):

Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)

(604):

If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

(604):

And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

(312):

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?